When God Lets You Down: Keeping Your Arms Open When Your Heart Aches (a story of infertility)
Infertility was never a part of my plan.
I’ve always been slightly obsessed with babies. From an early age, you could have seen me wandering around my house and the neighborhood with a Bitty Baby, you know, the one from American Girl, strapped to my chest. My parents must have figured this was a sign that I needed siblings because they quickly had nine more children and until I left for college, my arms always had a baby to hold. When I got married at the ripe young age of twenty-one, I couldn’t wait to start a family of my own.
After quite a while of enjoying the baby-making process, I started to get concerned when, month after month, Aunt Flo made her appearance. A sinking feeling filled the pit of my stomach and I became afraid that something was truly wrong.
I like to think of myself as a realist, but it is probably more accurately to say pessimist. I went from bad to worse with my scenario fantasizing. After spending hours glued to my computer screen researching possible causes and treatments for infertility, I came to a conclusion; I needed to start prepping my house for adoption inspections.
Now, this wasn’t because I suddenly felt like it was the time or place in life to adopt, it was because I was deeply, deeply afraid.
The fear I felt was rooted in betrayal. God had let me down. I had faithfully followed Him, and now the road was crumbling. While friends plotted their career choices, I was careful to make sure that my life would focus around homemaking, because that’s what I was called to. My husband said it was refreshing but many called it weird. I was weird because I trusted in God to provide.
For many, adoption is a step of trust. For me, it would have been a cautious move of fear. It would have been Sarah offering Hagar to Abraham instead of trusting that God would fulfill His work. It was much easier to form a new plan than to hand the broken pieces to God and to step into an unknown future.
Seeking control, it only gets you so far. I thought I had control over having a baby, but I did not. (I now struggle to keep my eyes from rolling whenever someone talks about their birth control or planning a baby.) God had given me a dream, but He had not held up His part and I had no idea what to do.
It was now, with the path crumbling, that I needed to decide if I still trusted Him.
So, I kept my arms open and trusted in His goodness. I didn’t want the month after month struggle that infertility is, but I realized that it was in this struggle I found God’s glory. I learned that day by day, He will provide grace to sustain me.
In the high moments of life, it is easy to depend on God because it doesn’t take much. When dreams shatter, we have to step out in faith and see if He will catch us. That step is scary. It’s hard to jump into the unknown. Motherhood might be in my future. I am still praying for a miracle baby but I’m also holding my arms open and trusting that no matter what the tomorrow looks like, He will be faithful. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know who holds the future.
Bailey Suzio’s journey started out in Michigan, where she grew up as the oldest of 10 (yes, ten) children, and has led her to Hawaii with her husband and their two dogs. In addition to her love for the Lord and her family, her great passions are coffee and collecting an exorbitant amount of books. Bailey has spent the last few years teaching and working with a local church. She writes at http://thethinplace.net/ about her life, faith, and infertility journey.